97.5 miles. 35+ hours on foot. 5 days of crewing and pacing. Almost no sleep. 1 burger-related emotional breakdown.

I understand it is a true privilege to be able to have adventures and do the things I do. And I am super grateful for that. But there is this space between (queue Dave Matthews) where something feels off, something feels missing and I feel listless.

I was running my long run yesterday. I had already delayed it from Saturday because I woke up with a headache and somehow, I woke up late yesterday. I got to the trail an hour and 45 minutes later than normal. A bit of a big deal in the summers here in Phoenix.

James has shown me that no matter what age you are, you can do many things. He lost his son to suicide during the high point of the pandemic. He divorced a few years before that. His daughter lives in Flagstaff so she isn’t too far away but he’s definitely got an empty nest. He leads a couple of group runs and makes everyone feel welcome.

When I popped out from under the car, my stepdaughter said, “I’m glad you lift and are strong.” It made me laugh but also made me proud. Then it made me start thinking about all the training I have been doing for 17+ years. How that training has not only made me physically strong but mentally confident in myself.

How about we think of our thoughts as neither positive or negative? Or good or bad? What does that even mean? Let’s think of them as useful or not useful. Wait, what does that even mean?

“But wait Brittany, how could you finish? You were pulled from the race.” Great question and one I wish I had asked myself at 3:35 p.m. on April 22. Being pulled from a race means the race is no longer taking liability for you. You are now on your own. So what do you do?

The weather was perfect. We took off. I arrived at the first aid station which just so happened to be my first crew spot about an hour and 45 minutes later which was right in the range I had planned for. I got there, I took a drink of water and all of a sudden I had to puke only 9.5 miles into this race. It confused me.

“The only person you get to be truly hard on is you. It will take every ounce of your self-control to enforce that - not because it’s hard to be hard on yourself, but because it’s so hard to let people get away with things you’d never allow in yourself. To let them do things you know are bad for them, to let them slack off when you see so much more in them.”

And here I am on repeat but what can I control? Myself - actions, inactions, reactions, attitude, mindset. Same things as always.